ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
They are going to name an STD after you.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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