so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
