so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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