True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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