Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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