There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
