get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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