I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
