You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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