does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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