So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
