You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
