I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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