one word: firstdatebathroomanal
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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