even my farts smell like vagina
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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