So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
