why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
