Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
