I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
