that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
