We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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