I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
