Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
