He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
