yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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