why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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