Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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