I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
