Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
