I bet he comes in French.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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