Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
