Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
