She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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