the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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