Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
