I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
