I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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