he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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