so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
