totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
