Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I got inside last night via doggy door
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
