he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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