Sponge bath it is.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
