I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Girls should come with a carfax report
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
