I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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