would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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