I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
