so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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