do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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