im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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