I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
