Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
