I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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