i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
